n the movie ” Captain Corelli’s Mandolin “, a father of wisdom said to his daughter when she fell in love with a man that she was attracted to:
” When you fall in love, it’s a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision, you have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that is inconceivable…that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.”
Love is not breathlessness. It is not excitement. It is not the desire to make every second of the day. It’s not lying awake at night imagining he is kissing every part of your body. That is just being in love, of which any of us can convince ourselves.
Love itself is what is left over…when being in love has burned away. It doesn’t sound very exciting, but it is.”
If you have long term intention with the person you are dating, six months is the minimum period required for you to calm down from initial attraction and to be able to look at the person in front of you to judge whether this is the one for you.
Delay physical involvement until at least eight dates after you mutually feel attracted. Sex has too strong an impact and can blur your vision, preventing you from seeing or worrying about the flaws of the other person. If you aim at a long term future with the person, delaying physical involvement ensures you have a sober mind to find out other qualities about the other person. It is also an easy way to confirm if the other person is really into you and patient enough to wait.
If you do not just want a short fling with someone, it is up to you to take control.
I have watched the process of some clients successfully forming compatible and fulfilling relationships by delaying gratifications. I call this intelligent way of dating.
In 2007, I introduced two couple together. They were in their early 40s. Their first lasted eleven hours. This was a sign of strong connection. They did not sleep together until some three months later.
They had a lot in common; both were very intelligent, active, confident business professionals. They also used their intelligence in dating. I was informed of their progress throughout their dating. They were meeting at least three times a week from their first date and engaged in plenty of conversation and activity together to get to know each other. The lady, who kept regular communication with me, was very thoughtful about when they should move to the next stage. The man was an experienced diver and they had planned a weekend away for scuba diving, which she had longed for. By the time she tried to book a hotel, there was only one room available. She hesitated and finally cancelled the event because she thought it would be better to wait a little longer. Some of you might think she must hate sex. On the contrary, she is a hot blooded European woman, tall, strong and healthy; a partner with healthy sex drive is very important for her. Another few weeks later, she told me they were going away for skiing as their first weekend together. It was time to make final decision whether they were right for each other! I crossed my fingers for them that weekend. The following week she rang me saying “he’s OK!”. I rang him. Do you know what he said? He said: “This was my deadline, otherwise I would be gone!”
In this story, the lady played a very clever leadership role in directing the relationship towards a long term goal. He is an energetic, masculine, laid back Aussie bloke who had been divorced before; she was born in Italy, lived, educated in Geneva, UK and all over the world. As an Italian, family means a great deal to her. There were significant differences in their cultural upbringing and life experiences. She was aware of those differences from the beginning and realized that time was needed to determine whether the relationship would survive those differences.
They have been together for 8 years now, with two gorgeous sons. If they had rushed into a heated physical relationship without trying to blend with each other, the chances were that they would have enjoyed a passionate relationship for a few months or half a year before they slow down. By then, they would have burnt out energy and enthusiasm to face the reality for future. One or both would have felt that there was too much to adapt to the other person. Unprepared to accept those differences, the holiday was over, it was time to say good bye.
They succeeded by managing and prioritizing the importance in the dating event. They understood the importance of “ Delaying gratification ”.