perfectmanIt is very natural for most people when you are attracted to someone that you want to make them happy and be giving and please them. You start to do things which you do not normally do in order be your best.

You work harder, sleep less, start to do exercise, put on make up and you go to watch cricket with him even though you hate watching sports. You start to change your routine in order to fit in with your partner. You stop going to church because your partner does not go and you sleep in because your partner is up late. You cancel pre arranged meetings with your friends in order to fit into the schedule of your new partner though you feel a little guilty towards your long term supportive friends. You cancel your swimming session because your partner wants to watch a movie instead.

You have been going out of your way to please your partner. You have been changing yourself and getting away from your comfort zone. In the meantime do you ever think how long you can keep this up?

This is a common phenomenon in dating and a very important mistake that leads to problems in the relationship. If you find yourself doing this, you are trying to build a relationship based on your expectations, not based on compatibility. Your relationship will not be a happy one in the future and it will not last.

Just as you cannot change a person because of your own expectations, you also cannot change yourself. You may do so for a period of time while the flames are high but your tolerance level will drop as time goes by. You are going out of your way to please with the expectation that your partner will like you better. You are not being yourself. The time will come when you feel reluctant to continue. You miss your church and friends and you feel that you are spending a lot of time on things that you do not really enjoy. Gradually you will start feeling like saying no to your partner, and to stop conceding to what he or she would like to do.

What comes next? Your partner will feel you are no longer that supportive and not as nice as you used to be. You have changed! You gave a lolly and are now taking it back! You say to them: come on, I have not changed; this is what I really am. I was just trying hard to please you so you would like me. Now I’m exhausted and I just want to let my hair down and be myself. Your partner wakes up and looks at you as a different person! Your relationship will go down. If you try to stay with each other, unhappiness and dissatisfaction will always been there. We often hear divorced people saying “we grew apart …”. How many of them realised that they were not that together to start with. They have been with someone who was wearing a mask. Either one or both partners probably played a role which was misleading from very beginning of the relationship.

If you are in a relationship where there was strong attraction at the first meeting, especially in the case of a blind date or a sudden encounter, you are more likely to go down the road discussed above. Why? You are welcome to talk to me if you like.

If you are a person who tends to go out of their way to please in the early stage of dating, at a personal level, you may be compromising your internal being for someone who only matches your DREAM. It is time to check out your inner security.